To whom it may concern,
I’m writing to see if you can provide a home for my Mandoline. This nifty kitchen tool saves hours and hours of work. With it, you can slice things very fine very quickly. You just slide the to-be-sliced item back and forth over the veryvery sharp blade, and voila! You have perfect, uniform slices.
You can slice carrots, zucchini/courgettes, cucumbers, anything you can hold in your hand. You can also slice fingers, if you’re stupid. But wait! This Mandoline comes with a safety device, specifically designed to protect fingertips from the veryvery sharp slicing blade. This device cleverly grips the item to be sliced, keeping fingers behind a shield, where they belong. Only a very stupid person would use the Mandoline without the device, because the blade is veryvery sharp, and is designed to slice anything that passes over it--carrots, tomatoes, beets, fingertips, it doesn’t care. But WE do, so we have the clever safety device, which only a very stupid person would refuse to use.
Because sliced off fingertips bleed a LOT, and we don’t want to have blood all over our items-to-be-sliced, do we? And it’s hard to type with a bandaged finger--it wants to hit two keyts at opnce. And with a bandaged finger you have to wear a nasty-smelling latex glove in the kitchen to keep it dry and your hand will smell like latex all the time. No, no, we wouldn’t want that. That’s why we have the safety device. Which comes with the Mandoline. Free.
This Mandoline needs a good home. Don’t let the fact that it’s tasted human blood scare you. It really CAN be trusted...